smouldering cigarettes
by louisaeve
Summary: because it's the middle of a bloody war and she can't deal with this


**smouldering cigarettes**

louisaeve

* * *

because they're in the middle of a fucking war and she can't deal with this kind of shit

tw: discussion of abortion and implied sexual content (rated t/pg-13)

Lily turns her eyes up under hooded lashes, darkened with the days mascara and faded blue eyeliner that was all too thick on the left side (but as always her right side was perfect).

"Are you fucking kidding me?" Lily's eyes flash, the brilliant green that you could never forget and James visibly gulps.

"No?" He states more as a questions, and Lily rolls her eyes, standing up from the dingy couch that was her great aunt's in their shared flat. It should remind him of how far they've come, but all he can think is how far they have to go.

"Seriously James - I can't," Lily shakes her head and masssages her temple, pulling down the Order shirt she stole from him (and James knows all too well that she has a couple of her own). "Are you actually joking?"

"Lily," he says, and it's more of a breath, more of a statement of pleading. "It's your choice. But -"

"But what James?" Lily cocks her head, and reaches to the table and starts fumbling around frantically, searching for the packet of cigarettes she keeps there. "But what?" she looks up, even as her fingers search for the Wizarding branded box. "You expect me to try and think and act and keep other people safe? you expect me to try and get out of this war? Because I can't do that with a kid."

"Lily," and this time James knows he's begging. It's her choice, it's always been her choice, but he can't help but think back to fifth year him, where occasionally a dream of a child with Lily's hair and his glasses entered his thoughts.

"James," she's reached tears by now, and draws a cigarette out of the pack she's (finally) found and lights it with a small show of wandless magic (she's always been clever), before sticking it in her mouth. "James, I never wanted to be a mother. I may be good with kids but I was not cut out for that shit. Fucking hell we've talked about this. We talked about it when we got married."

"Lily," he's begging he knows, he knows, but he can't help but think that she'd be a wonderful mother.

She draws the smoke in and out of her mouth. "My mother's gone you know," and of course he knows, of course, but they both don't bother to say so. "I always thought that if on the slightest chance that I had a kid she'd be there to help me, to tell me what to do and how to take care of babies and all that shit. I never wanted to be a mother though. I was going to be an Auror or some fucking shit."

And the sound that comes out of James' mouth is meant to be comforting but it just sounds broken.

"No," she points the cigarette at him, her eyes wet. "Don't try and tell me you understand or any sort of shit like that. You don't fucking understand. You don't understand what it is like to have people tell you you can't have the job that you've wanted since you were eleven, that you worked so hard for, that you fucking _earned_ because of your fucking blood. That's bullshit and it's bullshit that I have to deal with every fucking day. And it's not fair," she shrugs, all hot, boiled anger, like the Lily he's always known, the Lily who could never try and be cool and calm and collected. "It's not. So why would I try and bring a child into this world that would have to deal with that fucking shit? It's not like the child has to exist. We both know that not only do Muggles have a procedure, witches have invented a couple of spells throughout time. For gods sake, Mary got rid of her child! So why am I going to try and bring the child into a world where it's parents are being hunted?" Lily's face is screwed up and her mascara and eyeliner is running down her face with salty liquid, turning her pale skin a grey-blue-black colour.

"I know that you're worried," James' voice comes out clear. "And I know that I have no right to tell you what to do with your body."

"True," Lily flings the cigarette down to the floor and stomps it out with her bare foot, not wincing once as it crumbles on the wooden floor. "So what?"

"You did want a child into the future," James says, and her eyes flash before he holds his hands up to defend himself. "I know you wanted to adopt. I know. But Lily something is holding you back right? Normally you wouldn't talk to me about this - and that's okay, it's your choice. But why are you?"

Lily's eyes are still glimmering with unshed tears and she looks away and up at the bright flurescent light that James ought to have fixed, because it spends the majority of it's time flickering. "Fuck this is pretentious - but I felt something? Like maybe this is a sign. Maybe someone is telling me that hey, Lily not all hope is lost and new things happen and fuck this is how your mum felt about her pregancies," she gives a sarcastic, mocking laugh and no one is fooled. "So maybe I should keep the baby. But then how are we gonna survive? How can we be sure that it's not gonna get murdered while we're out on some fucking mission to save people from the biggest fucking assholes in all of history?"

"My parents have - had," James corrects himself and they both wince. "Godrics Hollow. Big enough for a small family. You can -"

"No way am I dropping the Order," Lily points a finger at him, and James realises they're standing apart, seperated by the couch where they both sat before Lily had gained anger.

"I wouldn't ask you to," James says, and they know that they're both courageous to the point of foolishness at times.

"No," Lily smirks, and she almost looks like her normal self, her eye make up smudged and hair tumbling down her back. "You wouldn't dare. I will leave the Order only when I can physically no longer lift my wand in defense. Then I will spend my time with runes and potions. And I will order copies of Witch Weekly and buy stretch charm spells."

James gives a snort and Lily's lips curl up before she places a mask of fake anger on her face. "Why're you laughing?" Lily raises an eyebrow. "If I'm going to be carrying around this baby of yours I will need to you to be at my beck and call," she insists, and James closes the distance between them, laying a kiss on her lips firmly, before trailing down to her neck. "You'll need to fetch me chocolate. . ."

James gives a nip under the shell of her ear.

"And give me foot massages,"

Lily's smirk has spread even as she blushes.

"And tell me I'm beautiful even when I look like a bloated whale," a moan leaves her lips as James' ministrations continue.

"You're beautiful," he pulls his face to be level with her own. She rolls her eyes, and drags him in for a deep kiss, and they follow with a night that neither will forget.

* * *

_yay! james let's lily have a choice in life because she's not his fucking object and he fucking loves her for that because he's grateful as heck because she's lily fucking evans and she don't owe you shit (but she chose him)_

_(thinking about making an au! lily has an abortion because what would that do to the timeline/plot. how would neville be as boy who lived/the chosen one? would james and lily have kids later? would they survive? would petunia and lily reconcile? hermione and ron? draco? would the war dramatically change? who knows)_


End file.
